I was just thinking back, to all the little babies that have come into our life in the time since Patrick and I have been together. The first was my little brother, Zach. (He turned 5 this summer) I remember the first day that Patrick met him, he was probably 2-3 days old. He flat out refused to hold this little bundle, afraid that he would break him/hurt him/make him cry. But I, being the stubborn girlfriend, like any girl, wanted to see how my new-ish boyfriend looked with a baby in his arms. I got up, put the baby in his arms and backed away. There's a picture somewhere of Patrick looking terrified and mystified at the same time. I think he's still kinda annoyed about that. Since then, he has flat out refused to hold any infant who he considers still breakable. Oh, he's the guy all toddlers love as he blows raspberries on bellies and throws shrieking kids as high as parents allow, but babies scare him.
When we were in labour, the nurse asked if we would want to see/hold our little angel after it was over and my immediate reaction was, of course! Patrick was much more hesitant. I'm not sure how much of it was his fear of the unknown, (would she even look okay??) and how much was his fear of babies. He agreed immediately, just by hearing my relief at the idea of once, just once, holding our little girl. When the time came to bring her back in after the labour process was finished and the nurses had done whatever needed to be done, our room was cleared as the nurses wheeled her in. One nurse handed her to me, ever so gently and I was stunned by how tiny and light she felt in my hands. Her father and I stared at her through our tears, and the nurse took a few pictures for us. Then they left us alone. I kissed her and told her how I loved her, that I was sorry, and that I would have done anything to keep her. Then I told Patrick he could hold her. I half expected him to say no, but there was no hesitancy. He took her gently from my arms and caressed her. He could have held her on one arm, but he held her with both as he cried and whispered words of love to his first born. He held her, that afternoon, even longer than I did. He told me he couldn't put her down, but I think he meant that he couldn't let her go. After our parents each held her and it was soon time to wheel her away forever, we all said a prayer while I held her one last time. Patrick softly started singing in my ear The Lights of the City, a song my family sings at funerals, and just when we're together and reminiscing. Finally he placed her in her little basket inside the incubator. How I would have loved to put her to sleep every night.... Patrick was able to, just that once. Before he may have wondered whether he could handle parenthood, and now, he can.
The Lights of the City:
John tells us of a city so high up above
Where we'll meet in a spirit of love
We'll meet over yonder in that heavenly place
There, we'll see each other face to face.
Refrain:
I can almost see the lights of the city
Shining down on my
I can almost see the lights of the city
Forevermore I shall be free.
John tells us of the time when time will be no more
In the days when the trumpets shall blow
We'll meet over yonder in that heavenly place
There we'll see each other face to face.
John tells us of the water which brings us to life
When we drink, we will not thirst for more
When we're born in that water, a heavenly place
We'll be brothers and sisters face to face.
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