Losing Eva....

Good morning,
Yet another family member had a baby last night. I read it on FB (family lives far away) and told myself that I would try to seem happy when I shared the news with Patrick. But I couldn't. Even if I had pretended, he'd have known, probably because he feels the sadness too. He held my hand and was sad with me. I hate that this happy news makes me sad. All these women I know, having babies, are wonderful, lovely, incredible women. It's not (at all) that I want them not to have their babies, or to go through what we're living- I just wish I could have mine. I feel like everyone gets to keep their babies but us-even if I know it's not true. I know other wonderful, lovely, incredible women who didn't get to keep their baby/babies (!), but all of them now have at least one, and I'm sitting here with my arms empty. I really hope that this time next year, that part has changed.

We hope to start trying maybe around Christmas but certainly by early next year (that's our decision now, which could change as we work through our grief process). Not that it will make this pain go away, but because it will probably make make it less significant, less all-encompassing. It will always hurt. Evangeline will always be missed. People will think either that we're rushing it, trying to replace her. Others will think that we're over it, that we've moved on, we're all better. Neither is accurate but hopefully we'll be a little better. We'll never be "over it" though. I don't think death is something you can recover from, it's something you survive and learn to cope with. Losing Eva has forever changed the way we view the world, the way we view our life. Nothing is guaranteed. Nothing is certain. Life will never be simple again.

I'm sitting outside today as I write this, it's 11am, and it's chilly out. I've started the Game On Diet challenge with some ladies I love. So far, it's working, on a few levels. I've spent less time on the computer, more time writing, thinking. I'm working out even more than usual, drinking lots of water and actually losing weight. It's been just under a week, and so far, the weight loss has been pretty steady. I know it will get more difficult, but at least it helps me focus on other things and get healthy again. It helps me feel less out of control, which is something I desperately need these days....
S. <3