Ugh...

Just realized that while this weekend is 23 weeks, the exact point we lost Eva, it also happens to fall on Mother's Day.

On the other hand, we're almost past this hurdle, just a few more days....

Ups and downs....

Well, we know for sure that this little bunny wiggling around constantly is a boy, a healthy little boy. We're so happy everything is okay and that he's doing well, despite my lack of weight gain thus far. We're happy to have passed 21 weeks. Next goal is 24 weeks, just 2 1/2 weeks away. Sounds so soon, feels so far.

Up until recently Bunny has been kicking me mostly around my belly button, but the last couple days he started added some kicks really low. Nothing that hurt, but low enough to freak me out. I keep reading that  with or without the cerclage the baby's kicks can't cause dilation. I am praying hard that this is true. Last night the kicks started migrating back towards my belly button, but it still terrifies me. Patrick too. He keeps asking if I'm okay. I feel okay, just anxious. And so I write....

It is very frustrating to have to mix family and friends' events. I feel jealous of sister and sister in law who are continuing with work and their daily lives, while I live on the couch or in my bed. But I will gladly do all this to have a healthy, strong (as close to full term as possible) baby. I know it's not a walk in the park for Becky either, who's in a lot of pain, but I feel I would be better able to handle the physical pain than the constant worry. I've read that if you can get to 26 weeks, the chance for losing the baby due to IC go WAY down. It's not so far away, but there are so many minutes in between.

I pray all the time, to God to literally hold my cervix closed and lately for Bunny to start hanging out higher in my belly again. I pray for strength and patience and peace of mind....

I feel defective....

I woke up crying this morning. I feel broken. There are certain things women are mostly able to do, and I can't. Something as natural as childbirth is a struggle for me. It's not fair. I've just passed the 19 week mark and some people seem to imply that it should get easier. Yes, it should. For most people. Unfortunately for me it'll get harder/scarier before it gets easier. I'm almost at my next milestone, at least. I had said once I have the surgery (which was the first milestone)...I have a list of goals.
-Get to week 20, because there will definitely be more time behind me than ahead of me.
-Get to week 24, because it's the cusp of viability for micro-preemies.
-Get to week 26, because chances of survival go way up.
-Get to week 28, because chances of complications due to prematurity go down.
-Get to week 30, because Pat was born at 30 weeks, and he turned out pretty good :) As well as less risky!
-Get to week 34, because my bed rest will be pretty much ending.
-Get cerclage out....
-Bring home healthy baby.

When I look at it this way, it doesn't look too bad.

Every night, right before I fall asleep, I ask God to wrap His hand tightly around my cervix and keep it there until the baby is big and strong enough to thrive outside of me. I feel like He is so far. I just have to get through the next little while, just around the bend....

The battle is mostly mental these days....

It really is.

People keep asking how I'm doing, how I'm recovering from surgery. Physically, I guess I'm fine. I feel mostly okay, aside from some light cramps, pressure, etc. from the stitches. I won't really know until my ultrasound in 4 weeks. And that, is the hardest to bear. The slightest little cramp, sends my mind reeling. I've read that it's all normal, but I don't know. I have to actually refrain myself from running to the ER everyday. The spotting seems to have stopped, thank the Lord. I sometimes wish there was a little window, through which I could see baby bean and my cervix.
I've also lost weight since the surgery, about 5lbs. I hope I can gain it back simply. It scares me. I haven't had much appetite, but I'm trying to eat three meals a day....but they're mostly small meals. I just want this baby to be okay and thrive and be born at a healthy weight. If s/he is going to come early on top of it, I need to make sure s/he has at least the advantage of weight.
These last few days, in addition to praying for a healthy, as close to full term as possible baby, I'm also praying for my own peace of mind. My heart starts racing so quickly, with any little thing, and my mind is tired. Even my dreams are filled with fears. Please, God....help this baby and help me....

Cerclage-An extra line of defense

I had my cerclage this week.

There were little miracles happening that I didn't notice at the time. Some, I still can't see, but I hope my eyes will be opened to them eventually. The biggest one...After waiting two hours for a bed, they cancelled my surgery. At the time I did not know that they had cancelled all inpatient surgeries. There were no beds. On the way home, Patrick said we need to call the Dr.'s office and ask them what to do. I was annoyed, I said our Dr. is at the hospital, the secretaries can't help us. I still listened to him and called. The secretary seemed livid that the hospital would cancel such a time sensitive surgery. She then told me she'd handle it. 5 minutes later, the hospital called me and told me to come back, they'd do the surgery after all.

So, at around 1pm I was in the OR. (We had initially arrived at the hospital at 6am, as per their instructions). By 2:30pm, I was back in my room. The surgery was painless but very uncomfortable, quick, the epidural was strong. I had already started dilating, so this confirmed for our Dr. that she was doing the best thing for our baby, that I truly have an incompetent cervix.  There were some complications about 8hrs later that our genius nurses figured out and fixed. I was kept in for 48hrs. I was sent home yesterday on full bed rest with slight bouts of modified bed rest allowed. I'm still spotting. I'm pretty much a bleeder, however, so the slight spotting isn't alarming to the doctor, or even to me. I've read it's quite common after a cerclage. I will feel much better after it stops.

Last night Becky called me to tell me she'd heard on the news and read in the paper about all the surgery cancellations at our hospital. It was a big deal. There were no beds, so much overcrowding. 13 surgeries were cancelled, including a man who wrote in and was supposed to have prostate surgery on his late stage cancer. Mine was the only one that was put back on the roster. With me having started to dilate, and no one knowing (not us, or our doctor, recent ultrasounds showed a normal cervix), this procedure, done when it was, just gave our little peanut a fighting chance. A miracle.

Now, I need to get to 20 weeks, and I'll have more time behind me than ahead of me. I've broken down my goal into smaller little goals. We can do this.

Still holding on :)

Hello again,
We had a marvellous appointment on Friday morning and got to hear our little SeaMonkey's heartbeat. I went in there fully expecting the worst news and so was thanking God out loud when the doctor quickly found our little bean with the Doppler. Nice, strong heartbeat. Of course, now my fears are not totally gone, but they're better for now. I know that so far, I'm carrying a viable baby. This coming Saturday we have our prenatal screening and ultrasound, so we will be able to see the baby again and learn how the development is progressing and whether there are any risk factors. (*Please, God, no....*) Two weeks after that we have yet another ultrasound to measure my cervical length, because in the week after, I'll be getting the cerclage done, and then the scary part begins. I don't need to necessarily make it to 40 weeks, but just further than last time. At least 30 weeks is what I keep saying. Ideally, 35 would be lovely. If I ever get the courage to start sharing this website with anyone else, I will ask for your prayers. My heart has little bubbles of hope welling up, like when you blow bubbles in your milk with a straw....

Cautiously optimistic...

Seems we're still hanging in there. We've had two ultrasounds after the spotting started and all was okay. Cervix was long and closed, there was no sign of trouble and most importantly, there was a heartbeat. And so, I'm praying and hanging on. My doctor's appointment is next Friday and by then I'll be 11 weeks and we should be able to hear a heartbeat with the Doppler in the office. If that goes well, the month following is filled with back to back appointments, ultrasounds and then my cerclage on March 16th....plenty of opportunities to be reassured. I feel I need it constantly these days.

I'm trying to surrender all to God. To realize that I have no control over anything. I know that I am blessed. That all things considered, I have much to be grateful for, and I am. And still, my heart aches. It aches for having lost Evangeline. It aches for my body's failure. It aches with the fear of trying again. It aches with the hope that this time is different. I am trying to surrender it all to God. I am trying....

I am, but now I think I might be miscarrying. I'm so hurt and almost insulted right now. I am a good person, and I felt that after losing Evangeline and keeping my faith and leaning on God, He would have more mercy and not allow us to conceive another little angel we couldn't keep. That was even my deal with Him before we got pregnant. I said the same prayer over and over. "God please give me a healthy baby. I will wait as long as I need to, to get pregnant, as long as I can keep the baby. Please don't let me conceive another baby we can't keep." Ugh.