I woke up crying this morning. I feel broken. There are certain things women are mostly able to do, and I can't. Something as natural as childbirth is a struggle for me. It's not fair. I've just passed the 19 week mark and some people seem to imply that it should get easier. Yes, it should. For most people. Unfortunately for me it'll get harder/scarier before it gets easier. I'm almost at my next milestone, at least. I had said once I have the surgery (which was the first milestone)...I have a list of goals.
-Get to week 20, because there will definitely be more time behind me than ahead of me.
-Get to week 24, because it's the cusp of viability for micro-preemies.
-Get to week 26, because chances of survival go way up.
-Get to week 28, because chances of complications due to prematurity go down.
-Get to week 30, because Pat was born at 30 weeks, and he turned out pretty good :) As well as less risky!
-Get to week 34, because my bed rest will be pretty much ending.
-Get cerclage out....
-Bring home healthy baby.
When I look at it this way, it doesn't look too bad.
Every night, right before I fall asleep, I ask God to wrap His hand tightly around my cervix and keep it there until the baby is big and strong enough to thrive outside of me. I feel like He is so far. I just have to get through the next little while, just around the bend....
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