Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
These days...
It's been a few weeks since I blogged. I've been feeling a little better, but this morning, for some reason, I woke up with a lot of anger and feeling so painfully jealous of people who are pregnant or who have gotten to keep their babies. Even the ones who also lost a baby. At least they have one, had another one, type of feeling. At least they're pregnant, type of feeling. It really really hurts today.
There's something I haven't mentioned yet. My sister is pregnant. My younger sister. She thought it would be fun for us to do this together. It would have. But she found out about 10 days after we lost Evangeline. So, she conceived right before we lost her. We knew it was a possibility that this would happen, but bless her soul, she told me that if she hadn't conceived she would wait for us to start trying again. That's how much she loves me. Unfortunately, life takes strange and unfair turns that we can't yet understand. So, my belly and arms are empty. While she's nervous, she has the hope and the naivety of joy. Yes, I know she has lost some of that innocence, watching our pain, but God willing, she will never know what I know. That the very heart of your soul can be almost literally ripped out and you will have to find a way to go on. She's 10 weeks today. I would be almost 32 weeks.
Today is a hard day. Today is a hard day, but I have to keep in mind that there have been many better days in between. Most days are almost okay. I got a tattoo of her name, on my wrist. It makes me feel better. However, it did not dawn on me until after that there will forever be questions from strangers or acquaintances as to what it means. I will need to find an answer. A simple sentence to explain without making people feel horrible. Because I want people to ask about her. I want people to know. She is my daughter and I will talk about her every opportunity I get.
I ordered a book called "Born to Fly-An Infant's Journey to God" by Cindy Claussen. It's a short little book, a conversation between a baby in his mother's womb, and God. It goes through this infant discovering his parents and their love for him which he reciprocates, to his journeying to God and asking God to protect his beloved parents until they can all be together. It brought so many tears, but this time they felt warm, and healing. Not like the hot tears of pure grief or the cold tears of anger. I recommend it to anyone who needs another step on their path to resolution. I found it at http://www.borntoflyonline.com
The doctor has already given us the green light, whenever we're ready. How can we ever decide that? It's in His hands, because I'm terrified.
There's something I haven't mentioned yet. My sister is pregnant. My younger sister. She thought it would be fun for us to do this together. It would have. But she found out about 10 days after we lost Evangeline. So, she conceived right before we lost her. We knew it was a possibility that this would happen, but bless her soul, she told me that if she hadn't conceived she would wait for us to start trying again. That's how much she loves me. Unfortunately, life takes strange and unfair turns that we can't yet understand. So, my belly and arms are empty. While she's nervous, she has the hope and the naivety of joy. Yes, I know she has lost some of that innocence, watching our pain, but God willing, she will never know what I know. That the very heart of your soul can be almost literally ripped out and you will have to find a way to go on. She's 10 weeks today. I would be almost 32 weeks.
Today is a hard day. Today is a hard day, but I have to keep in mind that there have been many better days in between. Most days are almost okay. I got a tattoo of her name, on my wrist. It makes me feel better. However, it did not dawn on me until after that there will forever be questions from strangers or acquaintances as to what it means. I will need to find an answer. A simple sentence to explain without making people feel horrible. Because I want people to ask about her. I want people to know. She is my daughter and I will talk about her every opportunity I get.
I ordered a book called "Born to Fly-An Infant's Journey to God" by Cindy Claussen. It's a short little book, a conversation between a baby in his mother's womb, and God. It goes through this infant discovering his parents and their love for him which he reciprocates, to his journeying to God and asking God to protect his beloved parents until they can all be together. It brought so many tears, but this time they felt warm, and healing. Not like the hot tears of pure grief or the cold tears of anger. I recommend it to anyone who needs another step on their path to resolution. I found it at http://www.borntoflyonline.com
The doctor has already given us the green light, whenever we're ready. How can we ever decide that? It's in His hands, because I'm terrified.
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