Ups and downs....

Well, we know for sure that this little bunny wiggling around constantly is a boy, a healthy little boy. We're so happy everything is okay and that he's doing well, despite my lack of weight gain thus far. We're happy to have passed 21 weeks. Next goal is 24 weeks, just 2 1/2 weeks away. Sounds so soon, feels so far.

Up until recently Bunny has been kicking me mostly around my belly button, but the last couple days he started added some kicks really low. Nothing that hurt, but low enough to freak me out. I keep reading that  with or without the cerclage the baby's kicks can't cause dilation. I am praying hard that this is true. Last night the kicks started migrating back towards my belly button, but it still terrifies me. Patrick too. He keeps asking if I'm okay. I feel okay, just anxious. And so I write....

It is very frustrating to have to mix family and friends' events. I feel jealous of sister and sister in law who are continuing with work and their daily lives, while I live on the couch or in my bed. But I will gladly do all this to have a healthy, strong (as close to full term as possible) baby. I know it's not a walk in the park for Becky either, who's in a lot of pain, but I feel I would be better able to handle the physical pain than the constant worry. I've read that if you can get to 26 weeks, the chance for losing the baby due to IC go WAY down. It's not so far away, but there are so many minutes in between.

I pray all the time, to God to literally hold my cervix closed and lately for Bunny to start hanging out higher in my belly again. I pray for strength and patience and peace of mind....

I feel defective....

I woke up crying this morning. I feel broken. There are certain things women are mostly able to do, and I can't. Something as natural as childbirth is a struggle for me. It's not fair. I've just passed the 19 week mark and some people seem to imply that it should get easier. Yes, it should. For most people. Unfortunately for me it'll get harder/scarier before it gets easier. I'm almost at my next milestone, at least. I had said once I have the surgery (which was the first milestone)...I have a list of goals.
-Get to week 20, because there will definitely be more time behind me than ahead of me.
-Get to week 24, because it's the cusp of viability for micro-preemies.
-Get to week 26, because chances of survival go way up.
-Get to week 28, because chances of complications due to prematurity go down.
-Get to week 30, because Pat was born at 30 weeks, and he turned out pretty good :) As well as less risky!
-Get to week 34, because my bed rest will be pretty much ending.
-Get cerclage out....
-Bring home healthy baby.

When I look at it this way, it doesn't look too bad.

Every night, right before I fall asleep, I ask God to wrap His hand tightly around my cervix and keep it there until the baby is big and strong enough to thrive outside of me. I feel like He is so far. I just have to get through the next little while, just around the bend....