*Sigh*

I knew it was a mistake. I should have left well enough alone.

I met a girl on one of the pregnancy forums while I was still pregnant. We were due the same week. It was a lot of fun. We became Facebook friends. Now, I'm not pregnant. She still is. So, in the week following Eva's passing, I decided to hide her status updates so I wouldn't have to see them, but today I got curious. I went to check out her wall. She has a beautiful round belly, looks radiant, and has a closet full of little pink clothes.

I can't help but think 1) Wow, I'm glad I hadn't done that much shopping yet.... and 2) Gosh, I hope her baby is okay.

And this is a week when I'm generally feeling better. Life, or its routines at least, is starting to get back to normal....Unless I start thinking. Hence, the sigh. It's strange these days, and my darling sweetheart husband would agree. There are moments, when you almost forget, and then you remember and feel bad for smiling or laughing. And then you just feel bad, we miss her so much. She was only around for a few months, but changed us so completely.

I spent close to 45mins talking to a grief counsellor last night, and it just confirmed that I'm doing this properly, and that all my feelings really are normal. Even the yucky, dark ones. I pretty much knew that, and I know that even those feelings are less intense than they've been....but they still creep in sometimes. The feeling that it's my fault, that I failed us all. That nothing will ever work. That other people don't deserve to be happy either...

And yet, in all this, there are already little miracles, little signs. I asked Eva for a ladybug to show me she's okay and happy, and she sent me one within the hour. I have been surrounded ever since. That's something. Someone prayed to God for our little Evangeline, who hadn't talked to Him before. That's something too.

No one can say I'm not being open at least....
<3