It really is.
People keep asking how I'm doing, how I'm recovering from surgery. Physically, I guess I'm fine. I feel mostly okay, aside from some light cramps, pressure, etc. from the stitches. I won't really know until my ultrasound in 4 weeks. And that, is the hardest to bear. The slightest little cramp, sends my mind reeling. I've read that it's all normal, but I don't know. I have to actually refrain myself from running to the ER everyday. The spotting seems to have stopped, thank the Lord. I sometimes wish there was a little window, through which I could see baby bean and my cervix.
I've also lost weight since the surgery, about 5lbs. I hope I can gain it back simply. It scares me. I haven't had much appetite, but I'm trying to eat three meals a day....but they're mostly small meals. I just want this baby to be okay and thrive and be born at a healthy weight. If s/he is going to come early on top of it, I need to make sure s/he has at least the advantage of weight.
These last few days, in addition to praying for a healthy, as close to full term as possible baby, I'm also praying for my own peace of mind. My heart starts racing so quickly, with any little thing, and my mind is tired. Even my dreams are filled with fears. Please, God....help this baby and help me....
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Cerclage-An extra line of defense
I had my cerclage this week.
There were little miracles happening that I didn't notice at the time. Some, I still can't see, but I hope my eyes will be opened to them eventually. The biggest one...After waiting two hours for a bed, they cancelled my surgery. At the time I did not know that they had cancelled all inpatient surgeries. There were no beds. On the way home, Patrick said we need to call the Dr.'s office and ask them what to do. I was annoyed, I said our Dr. is at the hospital, the secretaries can't help us. I still listened to him and called. The secretary seemed livid that the hospital would cancel such a time sensitive surgery. She then told me she'd handle it. 5 minutes later, the hospital called me and told me to come back, they'd do the surgery after all.
So, at around 1pm I was in the OR. (We had initially arrived at the hospital at 6am, as per their instructions). By 2:30pm, I was back in my room. The surgery was painless but very uncomfortable, quick, the epidural was strong. I had already started dilating, so this confirmed for our Dr. that she was doing the best thing for our baby, that I truly have an incompetent cervix. There were some complications about 8hrs later that our genius nurses figured out and fixed. I was kept in for 48hrs. I was sent home yesterday on full bed rest with slight bouts of modified bed rest allowed. I'm still spotting. I'm pretty much a bleeder, however, so the slight spotting isn't alarming to the doctor, or even to me. I've read it's quite common after a cerclage. I will feel much better after it stops.
Last night Becky called me to tell me she'd heard on the news and read in the paper about all the surgery cancellations at our hospital. It was a big deal. There were no beds, so much overcrowding. 13 surgeries were cancelled, including a man who wrote in and was supposed to have prostate surgery on his late stage cancer. Mine was the only one that was put back on the roster. With me having started to dilate, and no one knowing (not us, or our doctor, recent ultrasounds showed a normal cervix), this procedure, done when it was, just gave our little peanut a fighting chance. A miracle.
Now, I need to get to 20 weeks, and I'll have more time behind me than ahead of me. I've broken down my goal into smaller little goals. We can do this.
There were little miracles happening that I didn't notice at the time. Some, I still can't see, but I hope my eyes will be opened to them eventually. The biggest one...After waiting two hours for a bed, they cancelled my surgery. At the time I did not know that they had cancelled all inpatient surgeries. There were no beds. On the way home, Patrick said we need to call the Dr.'s office and ask them what to do. I was annoyed, I said our Dr. is at the hospital, the secretaries can't help us. I still listened to him and called. The secretary seemed livid that the hospital would cancel such a time sensitive surgery. She then told me she'd handle it. 5 minutes later, the hospital called me and told me to come back, they'd do the surgery after all.
So, at around 1pm I was in the OR. (We had initially arrived at the hospital at 6am, as per their instructions). By 2:30pm, I was back in my room. The surgery was painless but very uncomfortable, quick, the epidural was strong. I had already started dilating, so this confirmed for our Dr. that she was doing the best thing for our baby, that I truly have an incompetent cervix. There were some complications about 8hrs later that our genius nurses figured out and fixed. I was kept in for 48hrs. I was sent home yesterday on full bed rest with slight bouts of modified bed rest allowed. I'm still spotting. I'm pretty much a bleeder, however, so the slight spotting isn't alarming to the doctor, or even to me. I've read it's quite common after a cerclage. I will feel much better after it stops.
Last night Becky called me to tell me she'd heard on the news and read in the paper about all the surgery cancellations at our hospital. It was a big deal. There were no beds, so much overcrowding. 13 surgeries were cancelled, including a man who wrote in and was supposed to have prostate surgery on his late stage cancer. Mine was the only one that was put back on the roster. With me having started to dilate, and no one knowing (not us, or our doctor, recent ultrasounds showed a normal cervix), this procedure, done when it was, just gave our little peanut a fighting chance. A miracle.
Now, I need to get to 20 weeks, and I'll have more time behind me than ahead of me. I've broken down my goal into smaller little goals. We can do this.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Still holding on :)
Hello again,
We had a marvellous appointment on Friday morning and got to hear our little SeaMonkey's heartbeat. I went in there fully expecting the worst news and so was thanking God out loud when the doctor quickly found our little bean with the Doppler. Nice, strong heartbeat. Of course, now my fears are not totally gone, but they're better for now. I know that so far, I'm carrying a viable baby. This coming Saturday we have our prenatal screening and ultrasound, so we will be able to see the baby again and learn how the development is progressing and whether there are any risk factors. (*Please, God, no....*) Two weeks after that we have yet another ultrasound to measure my cervical length, because in the week after, I'll be getting the cerclage done, and then the scary part begins. I don't need to necessarily make it to 40 weeks, but just further than last time. At least 30 weeks is what I keep saying. Ideally, 35 would be lovely. If I ever get the courage to start sharing this website with anyone else, I will ask for your prayers. My heart has little bubbles of hope welling up, like when you blow bubbles in your milk with a straw....
We had a marvellous appointment on Friday morning and got to hear our little SeaMonkey's heartbeat. I went in there fully expecting the worst news and so was thanking God out loud when the doctor quickly found our little bean with the Doppler. Nice, strong heartbeat. Of course, now my fears are not totally gone, but they're better for now. I know that so far, I'm carrying a viable baby. This coming Saturday we have our prenatal screening and ultrasound, so we will be able to see the baby again and learn how the development is progressing and whether there are any risk factors. (*Please, God, no....*) Two weeks after that we have yet another ultrasound to measure my cervical length, because in the week after, I'll be getting the cerclage done, and then the scary part begins. I don't need to necessarily make it to 40 weeks, but just further than last time. At least 30 weeks is what I keep saying. Ideally, 35 would be lovely. If I ever get the courage to start sharing this website with anyone else, I will ask for your prayers. My heart has little bubbles of hope welling up, like when you blow bubbles in your milk with a straw....
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Cautiously optimistic...
Seems we're still hanging in there. We've had two ultrasounds after the spotting started and all was okay. Cervix was long and closed, there was no sign of trouble and most importantly, there was a heartbeat. And so, I'm praying and hanging on. My doctor's appointment is next Friday and by then I'll be 11 weeks and we should be able to hear a heartbeat with the Doppler in the office. If that goes well, the month following is filled with back to back appointments, ultrasounds and then my cerclage on March 16th....plenty of opportunities to be reassured. I feel I need it constantly these days.
I'm trying to surrender all to God. To realize that I have no control over anything. I know that I am blessed. That all things considered, I have much to be grateful for, and I am. And still, my heart aches. It aches for having lost Evangeline. It aches for my body's failure. It aches with the fear of trying again. It aches with the hope that this time is different. I am trying to surrender it all to God. I am trying....
I'm trying to surrender all to God. To realize that I have no control over anything. I know that I am blessed. That all things considered, I have much to be grateful for, and I am. And still, my heart aches. It aches for having lost Evangeline. It aches for my body's failure. It aches with the fear of trying again. It aches with the hope that this time is different. I am trying to surrender it all to God. I am trying....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
I am, but now I think I might be miscarrying. I'm so hurt and almost insulted right now. I am a good person, and I felt that after losing Evangeline and keeping my faith and leaning on God, He would have more mercy and not allow us to conceive another little angel we couldn't keep. That was even my deal with Him before we got pregnant. I said the same prayer over and over. "God please give me a healthy baby. I will wait as long as I need to, to get pregnant, as long as I can keep the baby. Please don't let me conceive another baby we can't keep." Ugh.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
These days...
It's been a few weeks since I blogged. I've been feeling a little better, but this morning, for some reason, I woke up with a lot of anger and feeling so painfully jealous of people who are pregnant or who have gotten to keep their babies. Even the ones who also lost a baby. At least they have one, had another one, type of feeling. At least they're pregnant, type of feeling. It really really hurts today.
There's something I haven't mentioned yet. My sister is pregnant. My younger sister. She thought it would be fun for us to do this together. It would have. But she found out about 10 days after we lost Evangeline. So, she conceived right before we lost her. We knew it was a possibility that this would happen, but bless her soul, she told me that if she hadn't conceived she would wait for us to start trying again. That's how much she loves me. Unfortunately, life takes strange and unfair turns that we can't yet understand. So, my belly and arms are empty. While she's nervous, she has the hope and the naivety of joy. Yes, I know she has lost some of that innocence, watching our pain, but God willing, she will never know what I know. That the very heart of your soul can be almost literally ripped out and you will have to find a way to go on. She's 10 weeks today. I would be almost 32 weeks.
Today is a hard day. Today is a hard day, but I have to keep in mind that there have been many better days in between. Most days are almost okay. I got a tattoo of her name, on my wrist. It makes me feel better. However, it did not dawn on me until after that there will forever be questions from strangers or acquaintances as to what it means. I will need to find an answer. A simple sentence to explain without making people feel horrible. Because I want people to ask about her. I want people to know. She is my daughter and I will talk about her every opportunity I get.
I ordered a book called "Born to Fly-An Infant's Journey to God" by Cindy Claussen. It's a short little book, a conversation between a baby in his mother's womb, and God. It goes through this infant discovering his parents and their love for him which he reciprocates, to his journeying to God and asking God to protect his beloved parents until they can all be together. It brought so many tears, but this time they felt warm, and healing. Not like the hot tears of pure grief or the cold tears of anger. I recommend it to anyone who needs another step on their path to resolution. I found it at http://www.borntoflyonline.com
The doctor has already given us the green light, whenever we're ready. How can we ever decide that? It's in His hands, because I'm terrified.
There's something I haven't mentioned yet. My sister is pregnant. My younger sister. She thought it would be fun for us to do this together. It would have. But she found out about 10 days after we lost Evangeline. So, she conceived right before we lost her. We knew it was a possibility that this would happen, but bless her soul, she told me that if she hadn't conceived she would wait for us to start trying again. That's how much she loves me. Unfortunately, life takes strange and unfair turns that we can't yet understand. So, my belly and arms are empty. While she's nervous, she has the hope and the naivety of joy. Yes, I know she has lost some of that innocence, watching our pain, but God willing, she will never know what I know. That the very heart of your soul can be almost literally ripped out and you will have to find a way to go on. She's 10 weeks today. I would be almost 32 weeks.
Today is a hard day. Today is a hard day, but I have to keep in mind that there have been many better days in between. Most days are almost okay. I got a tattoo of her name, on my wrist. It makes me feel better. However, it did not dawn on me until after that there will forever be questions from strangers or acquaintances as to what it means. I will need to find an answer. A simple sentence to explain without making people feel horrible. Because I want people to ask about her. I want people to know. She is my daughter and I will talk about her every opportunity I get.
I ordered a book called "Born to Fly-An Infant's Journey to God" by Cindy Claussen. It's a short little book, a conversation between a baby in his mother's womb, and God. It goes through this infant discovering his parents and their love for him which he reciprocates, to his journeying to God and asking God to protect his beloved parents until they can all be together. It brought so many tears, but this time they felt warm, and healing. Not like the hot tears of pure grief or the cold tears of anger. I recommend it to anyone who needs another step on their path to resolution. I found it at http://www.borntoflyonline.com
The doctor has already given us the green light, whenever we're ready. How can we ever decide that? It's in His hands, because I'm terrified.
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